Tag Archives: Tears

my heart mourns tonight
for the dreams lost
and found
and lost again

I ache with why
a simple black and white answer is all I need:

why not me?

– grieving for shattered dreams 



feeling the feelings

Sometimes feelings are too much. I just want to shut them off and be numb for a while. The nothingness is like a comfy old blanket wrapping around my shoulders, hiding me from the world.

But despite my best intentions, feelings always eventually break through. Tears break free at the worst possible moment. I wake up in the middle of the night to the terrifying tightness in my chest that threatens to steal my control over my own body. And in those moments, I remember: I can’t do this on my own. I am not strong enough to white-knuckle it. I can’t just ignore it and expect it to go away. And I cry out again for God to save me from myself.

Over the years, I have been lost and found more times than I would like to admit. It always amazes me that no matter how many times or how far I run, God is always there right behind me when I reach for Him. Patiently waiting, even though I gave up on myself a long time ago. Welcoming me home, even when it means picking me up and carrying me like a stubborn child.

For I will gather you up from all the nations and bring you home again to your land. Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
– Ezekiel 36:24‭-‬26 NLT

Spring is here! (just dont look inside)

Spring (and gardening season!!) has finally arrived in Canada. I’m eagerly watching my gardens come back to life. I’m waiting in anticipation of the beauty that is coming – my reward for investing so much time, money and energy into something I love. (I was late to a meeting once because I literally lost time weeding. That’s how much I love it.)

This has gotten me thinking about the seasons of our lives. I spend a lot of time anticipating a future season that will bring beauty and meaning, at the expense of appreciating the season God’s currently walking me through.

Everyone is having babies and buying houses, so my social media feed is filled with prenatal photos and home improvement projects, culminating in a big final reveal. So why is it so difficult to similarly document my journey?

I don’t know about you, but my current season sucks. In my black-and-white, perfectionist mind I am getting a solid F. And rather than silently implode over failure to meet my own entirely unrealistic expectations, I simply try to avoid thinking about it. (How’s this working for me? Terribly. But that’s another post.)

But as I studied my Bible tonight, I was reminded of all the ways God has blessed me, taught me, held me, and walked with me during this season of pain and uncertainty. These things are beautiful too, and I don’t want to miss them.

I know a new beginning is coming. But I’m asking God to give me joy for the wait.

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Psalms 126:5‭-‬6 NLT