the struggle is real.

My house is filled with journals that are half full. I get distracted from writing for a while, ruining my plan to journal regularly and making the book no longer perfect. So I start a new one. Until now!! This weekend I wrote on the last page (this is kind of a big deal!) And this morning, as I read through my thoughts from the last few months, I was reminded that I started this blog because I wanted to break down the facade of a perfect life and share my struggles. Struggles can be beautiful too. So I’m going to share bits and pieces that never made it here.

April 24: God is asking me to begin again in so many ways. To find new goals and be open to new places. To not be tied down by my accomplishments, but to let Him lead me to even greater ones. To start from scratch: new priorities, new career, new outlook. Overwhelming but so exciting! I’m learning to walk by faith, not sight.

Who is this girl? As for today… Sometimes I would rather fall on my face than walk by faith. There’s a kind of security that comes along with certainty, even if it means scraped knees.

who I am

after struggling so much last night, of course God reminded me at church this morning…

you’re a good good father

it’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are

and I’m loved by you

it’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

Chris Tomlin “Good Good Father”

I’m losing my mind
literally

It’s slipping away
like sand through my fingers
It’s floating off
like a balloon torn from my grip
And all I can do is watch, paralyzed

I wish I could wake up from this dream…drink some coffee and sober up from this unrelenting hangover.
I wish I could push the fog away.

I want to understand the words you speak…to follow a conversation…to meaningfully participate.
I want to remember the end of a sentence…the name of a friend…the date of my birth.
I want to get in my car tomorrow morning and drive without forgetting where I’m going…or where I am…or how to get there.

I miss the simplicity and ease of it all. I miss being the smart girl. The good listener. The dependable one.

If I lose my mind, do I lose myself?

slowly disappearing