Today I woke up with an ache in my chest. I have been wandering around in a daze for so long that I’m not even sure how to label this feeling: This yearning, hopeful heartache that makes me excited, terrified, sad and angry all at once.
What do I do with it? I write. I bleed the feelings out through ink on paper. I capture and release them, instead of fighting to control them.
I struggle to find the balance between controlling things and just not caring about them. I want all or nothing. Perfection or disaster. I want my life to be the way it “should” be. If it can’t be that way, I just want to buy a bottle of tequila for dinner… I want a man in my bed… I want the power and the pride that comes from eating less and less. I want to throw it all away. I want oblivion.
But as great as it all sounds in the moment, I know how it ends. I’ve stumbled down that path many times. And it always leaves me with is the same dull heartache… with pain… with tears… with longing for more.
And I’m reminded God is the one real source of hope and joy and peace:
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
My house is filled with journals that are half full. I get distracted from writing for a while, ruining my plan to journal regularly and making the book no longer perfect. So I start a new one. Until now!! This weekend I wrote on the last page (this is kind of a big deal!) And this morning, as I read through my thoughts from the last few months, I was reminded that I started this blog because I wanted to break down the facade of a perfect life and share my struggles. Struggles can be beautiful too. So I’m going to share bits and pieces that never made it here.
April 24: God is asking me to begin again in so many ways. To find new goals and be open to new places. To not be tied down by my accomplishments, but to let Him lead me to even greater ones. To start from scratch: new priorities, new career, new outlook. Overwhelming but so exciting! I’m learning to walk by faith, not sight.
Who is this girl? As for today… Sometimes I would rather fall on my face than walk by faith. There’s a kind of security that comes along with certainty, even if it means scraped knees.